I found out about PDA from someone sharing Harry Thompson's YouTube videos. He's a great example because he explains his experience so well and builds his life around his PDA, instead of trying to change who he is. I have a gut feeling that PDA is not a separate condition, but something that is being noticed more now that people with lower support needs are being identified as autistic. The classic description of autism doesn't fit me or my children well, but descriptions of Asperger's are much closer.

My older son has PDA qualities. In school, he was seen as defiant, but I never saw it that way. The situations he was put in and the tasks he was expected to do made little sense. Schools like to do the same thing for everyone, so he was in a class with other autistic kids and doing the same work - despite being mainstreamed through 5th grade and having high test scores. Putting him in that class was a control move by the school and not in his best interests.

At home, I tried similar things to what you and your wife are doing. Eventually, I would ask him to tell me what he thought he could get done alone, and what he thought he could get done with support. The less I demanded, the better he was able to control his anger and slowly become himself again. School was not going to change, so he came up with the idea of taking the GED and being done with it. This was a great move for him since he is a good test-taker and wasn't learning anything at school anyway.

He has gone from not getting out of bed to living on his own. He receives SSI, but he manages all his shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He watches instructional videos and collaborates with people online to learn more and more about technology, especially as applied to the arts (his little stories are computer-animated).

Finally, I want to comment on mental health. In my own experience, depression and anxiety make it very hard to "do things." Anything. Having someone pressure you is unhelpful. I think this is related to what people with PDA are going through. I advise backing off, but also letting them know you believe in them, and know that when they can do more, they will. When they find what they enjoy, they will choose to do it and have great potential. Meanwhile, let them know they are loved for who they are, not for how compliant they are. (To learn more about this parenting style, see anything by Dr. Ross Greene).

Thanks for sharing your experiences, Scot.